Discipline Decoded: 3-Steps to Calming the Chaos
Discipline is an unavoidable and essential aspect of raising children. Often, it is relegated to the dark side of parenting - a necessary evil that we must grit our teeth and persevere through. But discipline is both the foundation we are building in moments of calm and our response to overwhelming emotional outbursts. It is the secret sauce for a stronger relationship that can withstand the inevitable ups and downs of life. Discipline is the preparation for the inevitable moments of dysregulation in life.
James Clear writes about the “Plateau of Latent Potential” in his book Atomic Habits, using the example of the Chinese bamboo tree that spends the first five years building an extensive underground root system before rapidly shooting up to 90 feet in six weeks. From the surface, it appears nothing is happening in those early years after the seed is first planted, but it is the necessary preparation for the breakthrough. Discipline also requires an invisible root system beneath what appears to be surface behaviors:
1. Teach the Skill Discipline is often synonymous with punishment or control, but its definition is actually to teach. It’s time to change the narrative: discipline is not about punishing for a lack of skill; discipline is teaching the missing skill. Teaching the skill allows us to view behavior with curiosity before judgment, a clue to what children need rather than a measure of who they are.
Examples of teaching the skill:
“Keep the sand low to the ground” instead of “Don’t throw sand.”
Introducing a mantra, such as “I can do hard things” or “I can be flexible.”
Practicing deep breaths, in through the nose and out through the mouth, in calm and playful moments.
Brains develop from bottom to top. The lower areas, the brain stem and limbic system, are active at birth to detect threats. They are programmed for survival and connection. Meanwhile, the prefrontal lobe, the higher level of the brain responsible for self-control, logic, and reasoning, continues to develop through early adulthood. So while children have access to the full range of their emotions, they are still learning the skills to manage those feelings.
2. Boundaries + Connection If discipline were a recipe, it would call for equal parts boundaries and connection. Boundaries provide structure with clear limits on what is not okay, while calm connection and redirection teach what to do instead. Boundaries communicate what you will do without justifying, convincing, or repeating, and are based on behavior.
Here are a few examples from Good Inside:
“I won’t let you throw. I’m going to put the blocks away until you can calm your body. You’re a good kid having a hard time.”
“I know clearing your plate is no fun, and in this family, everyone clears their own spot. I know you’re a responsible kid who can do it.”
“I get it. You don’t want to go to Aunt Sally’s 85th birthday lunch. I totally understand. We’re going as a family. It might not be your favorite part of the weekend. Get all your complaints out now - I’ll listen. And when we get there, I do expect you to talk to people and for you to be on good behavior. Because I know you can do that.”
We cannot change behavior until we build a connection. Connection can be thought of as an emotional bank account, with children’s behavior reflecting the balance. Dr. Becky Kennedy from Good Inside writes, “Parents are big connection capital spenders, because we often have to ask kids to do things they don’t want to and to respect our rules when they’d rather not.” This means parents need to be even better at building connections, creating a strong reserve to draw from. Connection is built through eye contact, presence, touch, and playfulness. It’s giving children our full, distraction-free attention; spending quality time in their world instead of always insisting they join ours.
3. Lead by Example The only person we have control over is ourselves. This is probably why telling someone to calm down when they are upset typically isn’t helpful. Co-regulation is impactful because it recognizes that the adult must manage themselves first to support the child in regulation, such as taking a deep breath, lowering their voice, or relaxing their body language.
When a child is having a hard time or experiencing big emotions, they have downshifted to their lower brain (brain stem or limbic system) and are unable to access their thinking brain (prefrontal lobe). Where traditional discipline often puts parents against children, trying to combat emotion with logic, co-regulation allows parents to come alongside the child, offering a calm and steady presence when children most need it. We can only learn to regulate the emotions we are allowed to have. We can also only loan children the emotional regulation that we possess ourselves. This is where child development and personal development merge.
Sounds easy, right? It’s not. But that’s okay - parenting is hard, and we can do hard things! Even better, you don’t have to figure it out alone. The Supporting Parents series will be hosting Calming the Chaos: A Practical Approach to Discipline on February 11th, with two convenient sessions. Join us for the morning session at 9:15 AM or in the evening at 6 PM. This is a free event open to the community. Please RSVP to the school office.